A lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist about his arsenic. The pharmacist asks:
– Lady, what do you need for arsenic?
– To kill my husband!
“Madam, I can’t sell you arsenic for this reason, I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist.
Then the lady wakes up in her handbag and takes a picture of her husband, who has slept with the pharmacist’s wife. He looks at the photo and says:
“Ah, excuse me, I didn’t know you had a prescription.
Men and computers are the same: they are difficult to understand, they always do not have enough memory and there is always something better.
A man in the bookstore to the seller:
– I want the book entitled “Superiority of Men over Women”!
– Utopia and SF on the 1st floor, please!
A man watches TV and wakes up with a pan in his wife’s head:
– What is it, dear?
– What’s Laura Jonson’s name?
– This is a horse name that I bet on in horse racing, so it’s a horse.
Leave the calm bitch. The next day the guy wakes up with a deep fryer in his head.
– Is that the reason, honey?
– Your horse called!
A very seductive woman enters a bar, goes to the toilet, and when she comes she goes straight to the bartender and begins to grieve over the bushy beard: “Are you the boss?” She asks and strokes her face with both hands. “No, it’s not me,” he says. “Can you call me I want to talk to him?” She said and went with her hands and his hair. “I’m not afraid,” replied the visibly excited bartender, “can I help you?” “Yes,” she said, putting two fingers in her mouth and letting it suck, “tell her it’s not sanitary paper and soap for the women’s restroom.”
The woman goes to the animal market. She wants to surprise her husband.
– Hello Mrs!
– Hello, I would like a parrot.
– Unfortunately we only have one parrot. So far he has lived in a brothel, but he is very cute.
The woman buys it. At home, he covers his beloved husband and waits for him. The man comes home, he enters the room, his wife takes a piece of crab from the cage. The parrot looks around and says:
– Hm … new room, hm … new bed, hm … new whore. Hello John!
A player dies and after death he goes to hell. After a week, Satan calls to God:
“Lord, what a madman you sent me, destroyed all cauldrons, killed all demons, ran all hell and cried in the big mouth.” Where is the exit to level 2? “”
A woman walked down the street and noticed an old man sitting in a chair in front of the house.
– Sorry, I couldn’t help but notice how happy you are, what is your secret to a long, happy life?
– I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink six bottles of whiskey a week, eat only fatty foods and never exercise.
– Exciting, but how old are you?
The man comes home at dawn. The woman asks him with a tone of argument:
– Where have you been all night?
“Imagine, dear, even when I went home, the new secretary brought me coffee and gave me a provocative smile. When she put the coffee on the table, she opened her blouse and couldn’t help but close her neck kissing where she went mad and we both lost my head. Finally I came to her house and made love all night.
– Lying! I bet you tried to reinstall your Windows.
Man to god:
– Why did you make the woman so beautiful?
– To love her.
“But why did you do something so bad?”
– To love you too.
A global survey was recently conducted. The question was: “Please tell us what you think about the lack of food from the rest of the world.” The survey was a total failure:
– In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
– In Western Europe they didn’t know what “missing” means.
– In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “opinion” means.
– In South America they didn’t know what “please” means.
– in the USA. They didn’t know what the “rest of the world” meant.
Call a blonde at the police:
– You broke my car, stole everything … and the steering wheel, pedals and gears, everything …
Within 5 minutes she puts his hand over his head and calls back to the police:
– Sorry, I got in the back seat of my car!
One day a woman complains to her husband:
– Honey, I’m not happy with my little breasts.
Her husband replies:
– Take a piece of tissue paper, rub it between your breasts and in a few years you will see that it will grow.
– How do you know? wonder the woman.
– It worked with your ass, didn’t it?
A man comes to the doctor and admits that he has problems with his potency. The doctor says:
– This is no longer a problem! A new drug, Viagra, has just been launched and is ending all of these problems.
The doctor prescribes the pill and our husband leaves. After a few months, the doctor meets the patient on the street:
– Doctor, your medicine is a miracle! I thank you from the bottom of my heart! It is great!
“I’m glad to hear that,” says the doctor. What is your wife’s opinion?
– wife ?! Our man is amazed. Well, I’ve never come home since …
Two police officers discuss:
– Why should your baby sleep in the closet?
– The last time he fell out of bed and didn’t hear.
Differences between office and prison:
1. In prison you sit in an 8×10 room all the time. Sit at your desk all the time in a 6×8 room.
2. Three times a day in prison. You have a snack in the office that you pay for.
3. In prison you have time to meditate on your life. You don’t have time in the office when you work on such deep things.
4. In prison, a security guard opens and closes the doors behind you. In the office, you have to be careful with the keys when you come and go.
5. You can watch TV in prison. You burned yourself in the office if the boss caught you doing it.
6. In prison, she visits family and friends. You are not allowed to call family and friends in the office.
7. In prison, maintenance is paid by the state and you do not have to work. In the office, after working, you give all taxes out of the money and what is left?
One day a policeman comes home with a last snapshot.
– Where did you get the TV from? ask your wife.
– I won it in a competition organized by the police.
– What competition?
– And what did they give you?
– “What is the result of 5×5?” And I went in third place at 17.
A man goes to a plastic surgeon:
– Doctor, I lost my ears in an accident, please help me!
– No problem, I’m putting on a pair of ears from a blonde … do you mind?
– No, I don’t think there are all ears.
A month passes, then the woman returns to the disoriented cabinet. The doctor asks her:
– What happened, don’t you hear it well?
– Yes, I hear, but … I don’t understand anything!
One day a gentleman sits at the door of an old man, elegantly dressed, with a vacuum cleaner in his hand. She doesn’t even open the old woman, the man starts:
– I would like to introduce you to the most powerful vacuum cleaner …
As he spoke, he threw a considerable amount of manure on the carpet in the hall and said:
– Keep calm, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t clean everything that’s on the carpet, I promise I’ll eat what’s left!
After listening to the whole story with nervousness, the old woman replies:
– I hope you have a desire, I have no current this morning!
The working woman goes to the police to complain: she would have been raped. Police officers ask:
– Tell us what exactly happened.
– See that I was washing myself and suddenly a man appeared behind me. She attacked me from behind.
– And you didn’t try to run?
– But how did you go? On the right wall, on the left wall, on the back of the man and on the front, I have already washed on the floor …
The man comes home and asks his wife:
– What would you do if I won the lottery?
“I’ll take half and leave you,” replies her wife.
“Perfect,” says the husband. I won $ 12. Take 6 and get out!
Two blondes talk:
– You know, I did my pregnancy test yesterday!
The other, very curious:
– And were the questions difficult?
In a school there is a terrible noise in a classroom. The director enters the classroom and is afraid that everyone will scream, punch and some climb the banks. The director quickly goes to the loud one and takes it out of the room. It is suddenly silent.
– Where’s your teacher?
– You just kicked him out …
After a two-month adventure, a young woman excitedly asks her lover:
“When will you introduce me to your relatives?”
– My dear, it is impossible at the moment. The children are in the country and my wife is in a delegation!
On the plane, a lady sits next to a gentleman in first class. At some point she starts to sneeze and every time she starts to tremble from her whole being, she wipes her nose gently.
The story is repeated to which the Lord addresses himself in addition to their addresses:
– Sorry, I don’t want to make you inappropriate, but I wonder why you shiver so hard every time you sneeze.
– Because I have a very rare disease, I have an orgasm every time I sneeze.
To the gentleman, a little embarrassed that he hadn’t heard of such an illness, he carefully asked:
– And you get something?
– Yes … pepper …
Why can blondes sing well? An empty head has better acoustics!
A witch who heard that the Viagra miracle pill works for women took one and went through the forest. There is of course a raven on her shoulder. The witch meets a young man with a crazy sexual desire and tells him:
“If you recognize the creature that sits on my shoulder, I will give you a night of love!
The young man concentrates and says:
– A cop? …
– You are a cop, but he goes away from me …
Doctor, I think I have eye problems.
– Why do you think that, sir?
– Well, since I got married I can’t see a dime through the house …
– Mom, says a blonde, I’m pregnant!
– pregnant? … where was your head?
– Like where, on the pillow.
A fool warned a brother in the yard of an institution about him:
– See that you have a hole in the umbrella!
– Knows. I did it to see when the rain stopped.